Something about having a free night or weekend to myself, seems to trigger emotional releases in me. Today, I met my sister half-way to New York City, so the boys could spend the night with her, then cried most of the way home. My boys are old enough that I have allowed them on some social media, but with that comes their dad. As I am responsible for making sure their accounts are private and appropriate, I was confronted by the smiling images of my ex and the other woman. Then, I saw the mutual friends and family who loved those images. And now, here I sit, with an afternoon free and tears streaming down my face.
When you marry young, most of your friends end up mutual friends. So, when 14 years later and the rug is pulled out from under you, suddenly everyone comes under suspicion. I have had to learn who I can trust and those who are safe people. This is hard to do, and even harder with family members. I had hoped to maintain a relationship with my ex siblings-in-law, but I realized that I can no longer have people in my life who support my ex and the choices he has made, so today I made the painful decision to write them a note, but explain that I didn’t want them to choose me over their brother, so I was severing our relationship I have known most of them most of their lives as they are all younger than my ex and I. I honestly, though, couldn’t stomach the idea of them loving seeing pictures of the life he chose when he walked out the door on the boys and me.
Nine months in and the actions of the man who I chose to love, still bring me to my knees in grief and pain. Many days, I just feel stuck, like I will never be through this. Other days, I just wish I had a timeline on this grief, so I could see the end, how ever far it may be. I am so emotionally exhausted, trying to parent well (and often failing), trying to work, trying to grieve, and trying to move one. When, when, will I have shed my last tear over the actions of the man who broke my heart?