As a kid, I would occasionally do jigsaw puzzles. As one gets older, the challenge becomes doing more challenging puzzles with lots of pieces. The worst was when someone (or some tail) would destroy your progress or spill the pieces everywhere. Right now, my heart feels like that.
I keep gathering up my million-piece jigsaw puzzle, picking out the edge pieces, and whoosh, something scatters them again – a “miracle” pregnancy, a quick remarriage, now Christmas without my kids. So, right now, I am sitting here trying to gather the pieces again. I also suspect that when I do gather all the pieces there will be some missing. After all, you can’t give your heart to someone for 14 years and expect them not to take a few pieces with them.
What does it look like to piece your heart back together? I wish I knew. Some things have helped…safe spaces at home…pets…candles…new traditions. I need to get back into exercise because it helps focus some energy and makes me feel better. I also need to find a manageable way to process the grief. A few people have suggested the process of writing down what I lost. I will be doing that over the next few weeks. I have also ordered a few books on grief and healing…the divorce books just weren’t helpful, but a therapist said what I am going through is more like a trauma and grief, so I am going to try and go down that path.
I finished my grad school classes until March, so I am going to prioritize some of my energy into healing (again). Christmas is nearly the last of the “firsts”. Tomorrow it will be 9 months. Nine months of pain, nine months of yelling and tears. It has been also nine months of finding that I am stronger than I knew and that my heart has a bigger capacity for love and pain than I thought possible. I cling to the hope that one day I will look back and see that this jigsaw puzzle is finally put back together…maybe sans a few pieces, but more beautiful because of how hard I worked to recreate the beauty.