Let me just start by saying, I am writing this from a really raw place. Yesterday I received some news that set my healing process backwards and plunged me back into a state of confusion and anger and grief. It is like the scab that was beginning to develop was ripped off, along with several layers of skin. My two deepest sorrows – my ex-husband’s infidelity and our infertility have merged into this mess that feels like it may destroy me.
I have talked about how prior to adopting the boys, we (as in my ex and I) struggled through the lonely road of infertility and then several failed in-vitro fertilizations. What I didn’t explain is that our infertility was what they call “male factor” meaning that I was seemingly healthy, but my ex was told that without scientific intervention the likelihood of him ever fathering a child was slim to none. We spent about 9 months in the thick of IVF without success. I subsequently gained 30 pounds as a result (something I have never been able to lose) and developed polycystic ovarian syndrome…a condition worsened by weight gain, but also makes it harder to lose weight. So, for the past 10 years we have not used birth control in hopes that one-day God would grant us a miracle. Bolt and Messi did not heal that hurt that the infertility caused, nor did I expect them too. I had always wanted to adopt, but I had also wanted to experience pregnancy and a newborn sharing the traits of the man I loved and myself. When my ex left, I closed the door on us ever becoming biological parents.
Yesterday morning I awoke to several messages from around the country asking how I was dealing with “the announcement”. It was several hours before I would find out what this “announcement” was and yes, you guessed it, my ex and the woman he left me for are expecting a baby that was conceived while we were still married. One son found out via Instagram (since my ex posted it before he had actually spoken to both boys) and the other found out from a phone call, but I had to find out from everyone else.
So, if you ask me how I am doing, the answer is “not well at all”. This has triggered so many things in my heart and soul. It has reopened the barely healing wound of the affair and divorce. It has opened the scar left by infertility. More than that, the rejection I faced from my ex, I now feel from God. They posted what a “blessing” this baby is and it feels like a rubber stamp on their affair and God’s way of saying that he blesses it. I know God doesn’t, but how could he reward their infidelity with the most beautiful gift…a child? Talk about kicking a person when they are down.
I am sitting here alone tonight while my kids are 3000 miles away on a vacation with their grandparents. My ex not only didn’t have the balls to at least email me in compassion over our shared grief and story, but he let me find out through the web of social media. He also told our sons when they were on vacation and when they weren’t with me to help them process and understand. The boys claim to be excited, but in their voices, is an undercurrent of confusion.
I feel like I am living in some nightmare. This isn’t my life. This announcement was absolutely my worst nightmare. I feel like the God who had taken me into his lifeboat to rest has thrown me overboard and now I am drowning.