It has been a while since I have written and part of it is at risk of becoming a broken record. I wish I could say the past few weeks have been good or at least uneventful, but it isn’t just the case. We seem to vacillate between mini disasters and chaos with my own meltdowns thrown in for good measure.
Both boys are struggling, with one able to verbalize and externalize his anger while the other holds it in with contempt for me while pretending nothing has changed. We have reached the point that I am in the process of getting more services to help the boys and myself. I started going to DivorceCare to work be around other people who have been through similar experiences. But, as my therapist said, “your story will usually win”. Believe me, this is not some contest you want to win and when I sit back and detach from this story, it feels too much to be true. But, alas, true it is, and there is a lot to it that I have not even written bout.
I have worked on building some new traditions for the boys and myself. Some have been flops (the Elf on the Shelf where we all take turns), and others have been big successes. I have been filling their advent calendars with coupons for fun things or breaks from chores and other small treats. That has been fun to create that little excitement every day. At the same time, Messi has really dug into his atheism and refuses to acknowledge any part of the Christmas story.
One of the greatest challenges of this past few weeks is the anticipation the boys have regarding their upcoming trip to see their dad. Messi is counting down the days and knows all the grand plans. Bolt is tentatively excited, but nervous and confronting his own issues with his dad. It has been over eight months since they have seen him, and a lot has changed for everyone. As for myself, facing the holiday without my sons and knowing that January could be rough…well that has me a mess of emotions.
The past week has seen me yelling and on my knees sobbing on the floor, sitting through church services with tears flowing, and overwhelmed. I haven’t had a working kitchen sink since Friday due to a drain clog and I have a door with a missing plate glass after an accident by Bolt. I have had help from unexpected sources, but at the end of the day it is the boys and I and we are a mess right now. I am looking forward to making it through this holiday and picking them up at the airport knowing that this first is over. Until then, I will try to relish the quiet warmth of winter – warm heat, chilly days, and the stillness of snow.