Recently I read something online from an elderly gentleman about grief coming in waves. At the time I understood it, but at the same time I was thankful how my waves of grief were so much smaller. At the same time, I was talking with another person about how I had finally reached the point that the circumstances of the past several months no longer consumed my thoughts. Then this weekend happened…call it fatigue after finishing a tough grad school class (at least with an “A”), call it frustration from arguing with two middle school boys daily, or just call it life. Whatever the case, the wave, or even tsunami of grief washed over me this weekend.
This morning I awoke and began the usual Sunday battle of trying to get the boys out of bed for church. I tried to make the morning positive with delicious pumpkin chip pancakes. As I went through the plans of the day, the boys started in on me on how I never do anything and make them do everything, all the while staring at their phones and making no attempt at getting ready. I lost it and basically said I was leaving for church, but I wasn’t dealing with their crap anymore and if they felt the need to act like jerks they could stay at home. Bolt followed me out to the car, Messi took advantage of my minor meltdown and chose to stay home. I cried all the way to church and through half of the service. Sometimes once the wave of grief starts, all I can do is ride it to shore. The rest of the day was followed by these waves (albeit smaller) …I haven’t cried this much in months.
I did allow myself to feel the grief and think about what it was that hurt so much. It isn’t so much that I miss my ex-husband – the past few months has given me a lot of clarity about the problems in our marriage. So, what was I grieving?
- A partner to unwind to and with at night
- A co-parent…this single parenting stuff is no joke
- A male role model for my sons
- My masseuse
- A warm body in my bed as the nights get cooler
- A shoulder to cry on when things felt overwhelming
While I have way more support from friends and my community than I did even 6 months ago, the reality is that when the doors to our home are closed for the evening, it is just me struggling to parent alone. Single parenting is hard and it very lonely. While I am grateful for the healing that has taken place over the past few months, today was just one of those days where I had to ride the waves.