It has been six months since the life I thought I know was turned upside down. At this moment 6 months ago, I had just heard the words “I want a divorce” and then the subsequent revelation of months of deceit. Six months ago the life I thought I know, turned upside down. I think it is the appropriate time to reflect on what that has looked like for the boys and I.
- No one is unaffected by an affair. As I write this, I am in the process of trying to figure out how to get the cat that my ex took out of a shelter in Wyoming and relocate it to Pennsylvania. Apparently, the cat did not adjust well to the move and a life with small children and lashed out by scratching one, so my ex surrendered her to a shelter. Even our pets have been hurt by this affair.
- The raw emotions…to this day moments of grief and anger and even love, will invade my heart when I least expect them.
- My sons are growing up without a father as part of their day to day life. I am having those conversations about teen boy puberty while never having walked that path.
- Trust issues and skepticism about relationships are my new norm. I often find myself looking around rooms wondering about the secrets people are harboring.
- Exhaustion is part of my day to day life. From the exhaustion of grief to the exhaustion of being a single mom…it is my new reality.
- The financial impact of going from a two-income family to one has been hard on myself and my sons. In my 30s, I should feel financially settled, but instead, I find myself scared about the next bill.
- The retriggering of old wounds of loneliness and infertility have been pushed to the forefront again.
- Bolt and I have never had a stronger relationship. It is hard, because he has become my shadow and will go everywhere with me, but it also means that he is holding on to me. We talk more than ever and laugh more too!
- The relationships that have grown through the mess have been amazing. I went from feeling alone prior to the revelation to feeling a community and family I didn’t know existed.
- My faith had been struggling for years for a variety of reasons, but through this process I have found God to be faithful to provide what I need.
- Contentment comes easier. Sometimes the simplest things…. a great meal or a cuddle with my dogs or a great family movie night help bring me such contentment in the moment.
- The future is unknown. Some may think this would be hard, particularly for a control freak like myself, but there is something so freeing about not knowing the future and learning to hand that over to God.
- Beauty in creation is easier to appreciate. I have a new beautiful niece, who I want to meet in the next year. I am loving just being outside and feeling the air on my skin or watching a sunset or my sons playing in the surf at the Jersey Shore.
- Finding out that I am stronger than I thought has been an enormous surprise. Seven months ago, the idea of four days parenting alone was overwhelming…now I am nearly five months in and surviving.
There is probably so much more to say, but it is late and I am tired, with a full day planned for tomorrow. Let me just say that 6 months later, I am still grieving daily and scared and overwhelmed, but I have also seen God’s provision for the boys and I. I expect that six months from now, the ugly will be less and the beauty will be more. It has been amazing to recognize the reality of resurrection after death…