Drowning

Let me just start by saying, I am writing this from a really raw place.  Yesterday I received some news that set my healing process backwards and plunged me back into a state of confusion and anger and grief.  It is like the scab that was beginning to develop was ripped off, along with several layers of skin.  My two deepest sorrows – my ex-husband’s infidelity and our infertility have merged into this mess that feels like it may destroy me.

I have talked about how prior to adopting the boys, we (as in my ex and I) struggled through the lonely road of infertility and then several failed in-vitro fertilizations.  What I didn’t explain is that our infertility was what they call “male factor” meaning that I was seemingly healthy, but my ex was told that without scientific intervention the likelihood of him ever fathering a child was slim to none.  We spent about 9 months in the thick of IVF without success.  I subsequently gained 30 pounds as a result (something I have never been able to lose) and developed polycystic ovarian syndrome…a condition worsened by weight gain, but also makes it harder to lose weight.  So, for the past 10 years we have not used birth control in hopes that one-day God would grant us a miracle.  Bolt and Messi did not heal that hurt that the infertility caused, nor did I expect them too.  I had always wanted to adopt, but I had also wanted to experience pregnancy and a newborn sharing the traits of the man I loved and myself.  When my ex left, I closed the door on us ever becoming biological parents.

Yesterday morning I awoke to several messages from around the country asking how I was dealing with “the announcement”.  It was several hours before I would find out what this “announcement” was and yes, you guessed it, my ex and the woman he left me for are expecting a baby that was conceived while we were still married.  One son found out via Instagram (since my ex posted it before he had actually spoken to both boys) and the other found out from a phone call, but I had to find out from everyone else.

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So, if you ask me how I am doing, the answer is “not well at all”.  This has triggered so many things in my heart and soul.  It has reopened the barely healing wound of the affair and divorce.  It has opened the scar left by infertility.  More than that, the rejection I faced from my ex, I now feel from God.  They posted what a “blessing” this baby is and it feels like a rubber stamp on their affair and God’s way of saying that he blesses it.  I know God doesn’t, but how could he reward their infidelity with the most beautiful gift…a child?  Talk about kicking a person when they are down.

I am sitting here alone tonight while my kids are 3000 miles away on a vacation with their grandparents.  My ex not only didn’t have the balls to at least email me in compassion over our shared grief and story, but he let me find out through the web of social media.  He also told our sons when they were on vacation and when they weren’t with me to help them process and understand.  The boys claim to be excited, but in their voices, is an undercurrent of confusion.

I feel like I am living in some nightmare.  This isn’t my life.  This announcement was absolutely my worst nightmare.  I feel like the God who had taken me into his lifeboat to rest has thrown me overboard and now I am drowning.

drowning
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5 thoughts on “Drowning”

  1. (((Hugs))) to you. Your pain is so palpable. I have no words that seem capable of offering you any comfort, and yet I want to try. I would love to run over right now with a cup of tea and box of tissues, or something to smash and let you know it is okay to scream at God. He can handle it. And now another (((hug)))

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  2. I don’t fully understand. I have not walked your walk. Only observation, it’s a life. God bless it.
    God bless you and especially the boys. No judging of wrong or right. Let it be. You are all to God and he loves you fully. Release to God’s love all of you, and pray for all blessings to come to your children now. Hold that you are the prefect mother/woman to your children who are surrounded by bright light and goodness. You are the best Kiddo. Don’t forget that ever.

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  3. Oh Courtney— I’m crying reading this… I wish I could help ease your pain. I’m praying to God to show you that he does love you…. he does . He’s with you even now … hang in there and know you are loved by so many .. and your ex should rot in hell

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  4. I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this. My first thought as I was reading this was “I know she wants a baby, but thank God she didn’t get pregnant by a man that would just end up leaving her in the end….” but I guess it’s really about perspective. Despite the fact that he turned out to be an adulterer, you still really wanted to experience carrying a baby and being there from birth. I understand that. I grieve for you. Sometimes it’s really difficult to understand God’s plan, but eventually He will reveal its purpose to you.

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  5. Firstly I’m so sorry. You don’t know me but I feel I understand your grief. My husband and I experienced secondary infertility, he cheated during it and during a unsuccessful pregnancy. The Whore he cheated with had a pregnancy scare whilst we were doing IVF. My soul was crushed thinking of that possibility. I don’t know the answer to healing from this for you or for me but I often think that karma will do its job without me doing anything. I’m trying to keep love in my heart or I fear it will turn to stone. Many hugs to you

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