March 23rd

March 23.  The day that the world I thought I knew flipped upside down.  I don’t remember a lot about that day.  I remember I got this fun elephant mug from The Rainforest Site and I took the picture you see here and put in on Instagram.

Elephantmug

I remember talking with my hubby about my grad school assignment (I am studying for a Master of Public Health) and getting excited about our ideas on how to change the healthcare system. I also remember that I had recently lost some weight and was debating on whether to share it with him, but I did anyway. It was a normal day…or was it?  I am sure one of the boys had soccer and the evening was probably chaotic.  Then I remember getting in bed and my hubby and I were actually going to bed at the same time, which had been a rarity of late.  I remember him laying flat on his back and feeling the ocean between us as I watched our big, fat cat, Tigger, jump on his chest.  It used to be that I would lay on his chest for a few minutes as we talked of our days and he would rub my back, but as I looked over at him that night, I didn’t feel welcome to do so.  I tried to chat for a few minutes, but something was wrong, so I turned on my right side (the way I always slept) and felt my heart begin pounding in my chest and this question burst out of my subconscious into present moment and I asked him “are you cheating on me?”.  My heart was beating rapidly at this point as I waited for the answer.  It didn’t take him long to respond with “do you really want to talk about this right now?” (a frequent response to my need for late night conversations) to which I responded something like “yes, now is as good as time as any”.  He then made the strangest comment, “I have never cheated on you in Pennsylvania and in response to your question from a few months ago, the answer is yes, I want a divorce”.  

What went on for the next few hours were tearful conversations with my dad and crying and confusion and then returning to the bedroom and asking him to leave the room as I thought and processed.  I then figured out a time and way for us to go to therapy and I went up to the office where he was sleeping and told him of my plan, to which he responded “no, It’s over” over and over again.  Finally, I looked at him with complete clarity and said, “there’s another woman, isn’t there?” and he said “yes”.  It took minutes more to get out of him who it was and it shocked me…it was someone I had known casually for years, who lived across the country, was married and had lots of children (lots, as in more than 10), and also the woman who coordinated our adoption 7 and ½ years ago.  He then told me that he was leaving me for her.

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